Why Not Engaging in Self-Care is Actually Selfish, And then Permission to Take Care of Yourself

Like many women my age, self-care was not modeled for me growing up.  The women around us were busy trying to prove that they can have it all: a family and a career. The second wave feminism that opened so many opportunities for many of our mothers in the workforce didn’t do much to change the expectations at home. Women were fulfilling the roles of full-time caregiver, full-time cook and maid, and full-time career women. They legitimately didn’t know how to self-care.

And, you know what? A lot of them burnt out. 

I entered adulthood with no awareness of how to take care of my emotional, mental, or spiritual needs.  I could just barely take care of my physical needs, if ramen noodles and copious amounts of coffee count.

Self-Care Guilt

Taking care of myself felt wrong.  As a young mom I wore the same bras until the stretch was gone and they could hardly hold themselves together, let alone hold anything up! I just couldn’t justify spending money on myself, whether it be bras or haircuts, anything above the necessities of life.

Spending time on myself was even harder.  Going out with friends was steeped in irrational guilt for leaving my husband stranded at home with the kids he fathered and loved.  I couldn’t justify reading a book that wasn’t in some obvious way going to make me a better mom or writer. I burnt myself out trying to have it all.

Deep down, I thought that self-care was selfish. But what I know now is that when I didn’t take care of myself, I selfishly forced everyone around me to do it.  

Accepting Responsibility for Our Wellbeing

Before I was setting boundaries on how much I could give, I was spreading myself too thin and blaming others for asking. When I wasn’t meeting me own emotional needs, the burden fell on everyone in my life, whether they knew it or not.  And the people who loved me most felt that deficit the hardest.

It seems like adulting 101, but it was a hard lesson for me to grasp:  I am my responsibility.  Not engaging in the practice of radical self-care was placing the burden on those around me in unfair ways.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  We are an interdependent people. We need one another.  There have been seasons of my life where self-care primarily meant reaching out and letting people help me. Self-care in crisis mode meant laying down the walls that hold people back from the depths of my pain so that they can walk with me through it.  We need each other.  We aren’t in this alone. I am not suggesting that we move through the world independent of others, caring only for ourselves and refusing the help of others. I am suggesting that we do the things we can to make sure we are bringing our whole selves to the table of community.

The Point is This

When I am actively engaged in my own care I see so much more clearly how and where I need others. As a result I become immensely more available to help those around me. By taking the time to do the things that nourish our minds, bodies, and souls, we are recognizing that we are finite beings, and are responsible for our own wellbeing.  When we don’t take care of ourselves, we are essentially expecting those around us to take care of us or suffer the consequences.

I’ll invoke the old adage about oxygen masks on airplanes. We have to put our own mask if we plan to be of any use to anybody else. This isn’t selfish, it’s responsible. By choosing self care we are respecting the value of those around us, and ensuring we will be available, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, when they need us.

The Take-Away

I’m not trying to make you feel bad for not taking better care of yourself. I’m inviting you into a place where all your needs are valid and deserve to be met. I’m inviting you to take off the itchy wool sweater that is guilt and unashamedly tend to your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual needs. Because your needs matter.

Is self-care selfish? Not at all.  In fact, I believe that not taking care of ourselves is one of the most selfish choices we can make. Let this be your permission today to do the things that feed you; body, mind, heart, and soul. And if you need to, buy new bras.